Helping Children Conquer Worry
To help your children manage what's worrying them:
Find out what's on their minds:
Be available and take an interest in what's happening at school, on the team, and with your children's' friends. If your child seems to be worried about something, ask about it. Encourage kids to put what's bothering them into words. Ask for key details and listen. Sometimes just sharing the story with you can help lighten their load.
Show you care and understand. Being interested in your child's concerns shows they're important to you, too, and helps kids feel supported and understood. Reassuring comments can help — but usually only after you've heard your child out. Say that you understand your child's feelings and the problem.
Guide kids to solutions. You can help reduce worries by helping kids learn to deal with challenging situations. When your child tells you about a problem, offer to help come up with a solution together. If your son is worried about an upcoming math test, for example, offering to help him study will lessen his concern about it. Problem-solve with kids, rather than for them. By taking an active role, kids learn how to tackle a problem on their own.
Without minimising a child's feelings, point out that many problems are temporary and solvable, and that there will be better days and other opportunities to try again. Teaching kids to keep problems in perspective can lessen their worry and help build strength, resilience, and the optimism to try again. So, for example, if your son is worried about whether he'll get the lead in the school play, remind him that there's a play every season — if he doesn't get the part he wants this time, he'll have other opportunities. Acknowledge how important this is to him and let him know that regardless of the outcome, you're proud that he tried out and gave it his best shot.
Make a difference. Sometimes kids worry about big stuff — like terrorism, war, or global warming — that they hear about at school or on the news. Parents can help by being aware that your own reaction to global events affects kids, too. If you express anger and stress about a world event that's beyond your control, kids are likely to react that way too.
Offer reassurance and comfort. Sometimes when kids are worried, what they need most is a parent's reassurance and comfort. It might come in the form of a hug, some heartfelt words, or time spent together. It helps kids to know that, whatever happens, parents will be there with love and support. Sometimes kids need parents to show them how to let go of worry rather than dwell on it. Know when it's time to move on, and help kids shift gears. Lead the way by introducing a topic that's more upbeat or an activity that will create a lighter mood.
Ask your kids what they enjoyed about their day, and listen when they tell you about what goes great for them or what they had fun doing. Give plenty of airtime to the good things that happen. Let them tell you what they think and feel about their successes, achievements, and positive experiences — and what they did to help things turn out so well.
Anxiety
Anxiety is another word for when you feel worried or scared. Anxiety can make you feel like your heart is beating too fast, like you feel upset, your breathing feels off or you have pins and needles in your hands and feet, as well as lots of other things. It is very normal to feel anxious sometimes - everyone does - and you shouldn’t ever be embarrassed to talk about it. You might have anxiety about starting school, or about speaking in public, or about catching the bus on your own for the first time.
If you do feel worried or anxious, it’s really important to:
- Breathe - in for 3 and our for 3
- Remember these are just chemicals and they can’t hurt you
- Remember you are in control
- Talk about it
How to help your child in an anxious moment
When your child is in the middle of a very anxious moment, they may feel frightened, agitated or worried about having a panic attack. The important thing to do in the moment is to help them calm down and feel safe.
These strategies can help:
You can count slowly to five as you breathe in, and then five as you breathe out. If this is too much, try starting with shorter counts. If it works for them, gradually encourage your child to breathe out for one or two counts longer than they breathe in, as this can help their body relax.
- Sit with them and offer calm physical reassurance. Feeling you nearby, or holding your hand or having a cuddle if it’s possible, can be soothing.
- Reassure them that the anxiety will pass and that they will be okay. It can be helpful to describe it as a wave that they can ride or surf until it peaks, breaks and gets smaller.
- Ask them to think of a safe and relaxing place or person in their mind.
If you haven’t tried this before, agree with them when they’re feeling calm what this place or person is. It could be their bedroom, a grandparent’s house, a favourite place in nature or somewhere they’ve been on holiday. Sometimes holding a memento of a relaxing place, like a seashell or pebble, can help.
Connecting with what they can see, touch, hear, smell and taste can bring them closer to the present moment and reduce the intensity of their anxiety. You might think together about five things they can see, four things they can touch, three things they can hear, two things they can smell and one thing they can taste.
- Encourage them to do something that helps them to feel calmer.
This could be running, walking, listening to music, painting, drawing or colouring-in, writing in a journal, watching a favourite film or reading a favourite book.
Remember that everyone is different, and that over time you and your child can work together to find the things that work best for them in these moments.
Resources
Take a look at some of these other resources that can help you with your anxiety:
Beam guide reassurance seeking behaviours
Childline - Managing your anxiety
Mind.org - For children and young people